Akatsuki Ward
by Firemoon520
Summary: Sasuke has been detained for severe mental problems, and Itachi had to come take him to the Akatsuki lair. Will he drive the other members crazier then they aleady are? And how will they cope?
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Naruto. And I never will. Duh, this is a disclaimer.

* * *

"Itachi, I need you. NOW." The akatsuki leader's voice floated out from under Itachi's pillow. His pillow?? Itachi sat up without a sleepy groan, no blinking sleep from eyes, nothing. He just sat up, as cooly as his leader's voice came from beneath his head every morning. And he was a morning person. HOW UNHUMAN CAN UCHIHA ITACHI BE??????? 

Itachi didn't voice a reply. It would just disturb Kisame, who was sleeping in the bunk underneath him.

Kisame made a funny noise that slightly resembled a snore, but it also sounded like he was throwing up, sneezing, coughing, and trying to wolf whistle at the same time. Darn those gills.

Itachi slid out of his bunk and pulled on his robes with the red clouds. He walked out just as he heard Kisame mutter, "I'm hypoallerginic to bananas. Please don't feed me any fish, it doesn't look good with plaid." Moron.

The Akatsuki leader was waiting for him, sitting in the sadly too small kitchen. "Morning, Itachi."

Itachi nodded. "What is it." It was a statement, not a question. He never asked questions if he could help it. It made him sound...so cheery.

"I have recieved a notice from the Konoha Hospital. They requested you, immediately."

Itachi was taken aback, but managed to sound uncareing as he said, "Oh. Reallly."

"You need to go there immediately. Something to do with another Uchiha. Uchiha Sasuke?" The leader raised his eyebrows. "Maybe you could get him to join Akatsuki, eh?"

Itachi snorted. "No way. Sasuke is too, good-hearted. He has more emotion than a lollipop left out to melt on a sidewalk. If lollipops had emotions, and if a kid was so suger-wary to leave one on a sidewalk."

The leader shrugged. "Just go to Konoha and come back, okay? I don't really care what happens as long as it doesn't affect, and/or benefits us in someway."

Itachi suppresed a sigh. Because sighs meant emotion. and Itachi's ultimate goal in life was to become EMO!! Actually, his ultimate goal in life was to become UNEMO!!!! With means an emotionless robot.

Itachi stopped in his room for his nifty straw hat, and then left quickly, not wanting to listing to another one of Kisame's slightly sick snores and mutterings. "MMMMmmm, and nice chocolate sundae with extra monkey's on top, don't kill the whales."

He jumped into across the river and into the trees, quickening his speed. He just wished that this was over and done. Because once Sasuke saw him, there would be a lot of yelling and curses, and some cruel restraining, before Sasuke would calm down enough to faint. And after all this mental trauma, some emotion might pierce the barrier Itachi had built around himself, and he would feel...something. Which would put him a step farther back on his life's goal.

* * *

The Konoha Hospital had clean white floors, with the occasional bloodstain. He walked up to the desk, wearing his straw hat. No one will recognize me now. He thought untriumphantly, because he has no feelings, remember? 

The nurse gave him a quick glance, then smiled automatically. "Hello, welcome to the Konoha Hospital, how may I help you?" she parroted wearily.

"I am...looking for Uchiha Sasuke." She gave him a blank look, then looked back down at her papers.

"Ah ha." she said after a minute of ruffling. "You need to go talk to that lady over there, and she'll take care of your problems. Have a good day."

Itachi turned and walked across the room to another desk. This one had a big plastic sign, and painted on it was MENTAL WARD, in bright, hidious colors with smily faces. Shit. Thought Itachi. shit shit shit shit shit.

This receptionist had big glasses, that was endlessly slipping down her nose. Her hair was a dark brown and tied up in a loony way on top of her head.

Itachi felt a cold chill in the pit of his stomach. This person look...exceptionally happy. Might as well get it over with.

"I need to see, Uchiha Sasuke."

She beamed and gave an excited bounce on the edge of her chair. "Ohhh, you must be Itachi! Wow, you came fast, I just sent that notice a few days ago, My name is Marti, by the way, oh come on, don't be shy, I'll lead you right to his door! After that, his personal nurse, Ranji, will explain some parts to you, then lead you to Tenji, her sister, to fully explain the situation. Both are single." Marti beamed again and have him a huge wink.

Itachi convulsed with repulsion.

Marti took a couple more steps while she took in another huge breath. "Sasuke is such a sweetie, I declare! When he's awake, that is."

What, is he hibernating or something???

"You should see all the flowers and gifts he has been sent from all his little friends!!!! One sent him a year's supply of ramen, although they were all past their expiration date...I didn't even know ramen could expire!! Oh, it's the thought that counts. Another one was a bag of dog treats, that one was from someone named Kiba... But isn't it wonderful to have some many creative friends???!!!!"

Itachi felt like he would throw up from all the exclaimation marks.

Marti smiled as she talked to a horrified Itachi, "My, you're a quiet one, aren't you?? You'll love Ranji. Oh, we're almost there..."

RELIEF! Itachi thought with joy, momentarily forgeting his life's goal. Then he remembered and forced himself back into an emotionless state, not letting regret and guilt for feeling happy seep through.

Curse that... that inhuman vessel of cheerfulness!!

"Oh, here we are." Marti said. "Good-bye!" she said, sounding sorrowful for once in the five minute walk. "I'll, I'll miss you! I'll never forget you!!" And she ran away sobbing to the reception desk.

"She's bipolar." said a voice as cool and unfeeling as his own. The door had opened, and a slim woman of around 27 was peering at him. Her hair was black, chopped short, but shiny. Her eyes were an emotionless gray. "I'm Ranji, please come in." There was nothing polite in that sentence, even with the word please. It sounded like a recording. Ranji's white skin made her eyes look huge...and empty at the same time.

Oh, no, Itachi felt a rush of envy. Here was a person who had completed HIS life's goal!! Look how...unfeeling she is, how uncareing. If Sasuke was to die right before her eyes and there was nothing she could do to stop it, she would try, but she wouldn't care!!

An odd warmth Itachi had never experianced before flooded down to his knees.

Ranji was looking at him, not nonplussed. "Uchiha Itachi, correct?" she continued without waiting for his answer. "We have detained and medicated a Uchiha Sasuke, for his various mental problems. You are the only living relative that we have found, so we have called you."

Itachi nodded. What didn't Sasuke have to do with him? They were barely related, just brothers. And it probably wouldn't help Sasuke's 'mental condition' if the one person he sought to kill was standing in front of him, feeding him chicken soup!!!!

"While we wait for Tenji, why don't you sit down and wait for Sasuke to wake up? He should soon."

Itachi sat down immediately, watching his dark robes contrast to the orange walls and bright yellow plastic chair. This was not his element. He looked at Ranji to reassure himself that there was something good in Konoha's Mental Ward.

She was looking straight at him, and what was strange was that he was turning red. Dammit, he spend hours every day in keeping his perfect complexion...perfect. All those hundreds of dollars on those anti-aging olay creams and neutragena rinses, all to be ruined for not reason that he knew of.

Silence stretched between them, and it wasn't awkward, because he didn't care. And she didn't care.

Sasuke snored, normally. It was a strange sound after growing accustomed to Kisame's snore. Ranji jumped up. "He'll wake up soon."

Itachi stood up too, and kissed Ranji in one fluid motion. Well, he was...is...a guy, and it's not like he's going to go around kissing Deidara. Well, unless he was really desperate...Okay, it has happened once or twice, but he didn't enjoy it. Besides, it wasn't like it was enjoyable or anything. Just weird.

He released her and looked her in her eyes. "Sorry about that. Just primitive instinct, that's all."

Ranji didn't look the least bit fazed or confused. She didn't look like anything at all, except pretty. God, she was definitely his soulmate, if he believed in such crap.

"I'm goin to kiss you again." Itachi said.

Ranji shrugged. "That situation is not in the protocol." She said.

Itachi kissed her again.

Sasuke woke up to see his big brother who he quested to kill stick his tongue down his private nurses's throat. Sasuke let out a high pitched scream and fainted, steaming and twitching.

"He's awake. Tenji will be here now." Ranji said as she broke away from Itachi and went to check Sasuke's pulse.

Itachi followed her and looked into Sasuke's young, 17 year old face. It had deep lines of desperation and horror etched into it. Itachi shook his head. "Stupid kid."

A knock on the door, then it burst open, and an extremely fat lady was struggling to squeeze herself through.

Was this woman in the wrong ward? What would a 700 pound lady have to do in the mental section. "Tenji." Ranji said.

There was no family resemblence whatsoever. Tenji's hair was a bright, flaming orange, and she had huge, puffy cheeks that squashed her lips and nose.

"Yes, Uchiha Itachi?" Tenji gazed at him seriously.

Itachi stared at her.

"Sasuke has been detained...Ranji should have explained. Well, we have several suspiciouns that Sasuke has not had a happy childhood, has he?"

Hmmm, I don't know how you could say that. Maybe he has been denied a lollipop a time or too, but his entire family and distant relations were killed by his cherished older brother whom he loved and admired the most just didn't compare with _that._

"Itachi." Tenji said. "I think we should pull the plug."

Silence, a deep sinister kind stretched between them.

"That beeping has been driving me crazy." With difficulty, Tenji bent over and pulled the alarm clock's plug from the outlet and threw it against the wall, where it smashed into pieces.

Hmmm, maybe Tenji did belong in the mental ward after all.

"We think Sasuke needs a role model to look out for him, for him to look up too. I'm sure it would improve his outlook on life a lot."

Yes, I am the perfect person for the job. His outlook on life would improve considerably if he was dead.

Sasuke woke up and blinked. "Ranji." he croaked. "I had a horrible dream. Can I get up so I can go cry in a corner now?"

Tenji bent down again, her squishy eyes peering at Sasuke. "Oh, honey, look who's here?"

Sasuke's insides ran cold. His teeth chattered and he shivered violently.

"WHO TURNED DOWN THE AIR CONDITIONER?????!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!??????!?!?!?!?!" he roared finally, startling Tenji. Ranji turned the heat on.

"Hello, little brother." Sasuke heard a emotionless voice. That voice...it was so familiar...

A long, dark-haired man loomed into his vision.

"I know who you are." Sasuke said, beginning to pant heavily. "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!"

"That would not surprise me." the dude said in that emotionless voice again.

"YOU'RE THAT SPOKESPERSON IN THE PIZZA HUT COMMERCIAL!!!!!"

"How much medication are you giving him?" Itachi asked Ranji.

"Enough to stop an elephant and make it think it's a block of cheese." Ranji replied.

Tenji gave Itachi a little push in Sasuke's direction. "Go see your little brother." she crooned.

His eardrums exploded in a burst of pain.

He stepped closer to Sasuke. "Hey, little brother. I'm Itachi. Uchiha Itachi."

Sasuke looked up at him, his nightmare forgotten. "Hey, can I have some lunch now?"

Itachi looked at the clock on the wall. Damn, almost two o clock. If he left soon, he might make it back to see Love in the Meadow. And if he didn't leave soon, Kisame would hog all the popcorn. Sasuke didn't remember him anyway. But then again, he might soon. Sasuke or Life's Goal? Sasuke or Love in the Meadow and popcorn?

"Sasuke, you're coming with me. Get your stuff, we are leaving in five minutes."

"Ahh, come on. I was just feeling like I wanted to cut myself."

Itachi turned on Mangekyou Sharingan. But for once in his life, he wasn't using it for torture.

Sasuke suddenly found himself in a huge red valley. A huge razor appeared in front of him. Delighted, Sasuke grabbed it.

_One thousand, two-hundred and twenty six cuts to go. _

Itachi watched Sasuke come out of his trance. "Say bye to Ranji and Tenji." _Did I just say that. I'm sounding like his mother._

* * *

They reached the boulder bye 5:55. "This is your new home, little brother. Go inside and play with My Little Pony or whatever you teenagers do."

Sasuke snorted, but went inside.

Itachi could hear the sounds of Love in the Meadow begin to float out from the living room. Abadoning all dignity, Uchiha Itachi squealed like an excited little girl and ran to the living room couch.

* * *

_Okay, Im just writing this because i'm just as bored with my other stories as yall are._

_not too many flames, please._


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Do I really have to write this?? I know copy right laws and everything, so it's pretty obvious…sighs Fine. I don't know Naruto. Probably a good thing too, once you think about it….

* * *

It was too damn bright in this lightless cave. Sasuke thought as his eyelids turned red before his closed eyes. Better than the hospital, though. It went dark again. He sighed mentally. The cave lighted up again, along with a huge noise in his ear. He opened his eyes. 

Ino was standing over him, staring. As Sasuke watched, her bangs moved and revealed a robotic plate over the left side of her face.

Sasuke sat up and scrambled back. "Ino, you should _really_ fire that plastic surgeon." Belatededly, it came to his mind that this was not Ino, and at the person staring at him was, in fact, actually a boy. Although that was questionable.

"Hey, Sasori!" the girl/boy called, "He's alive!"

"That took long enough, Deidara. And you know I hate waiting."

_Deidara. _Was that a boy's or a girl's name? It could be both... Meanwhile, Sasuke was slightly confused.

A person walked into the room, and he was most definitely a boy, although it did appear that he wore mascara and black eyeliner. Sasuke liked him immediately. They had something in commen.

"You look familiar." Sasuke said, trying to put into his voice that he was, indeed, an emo eyeliner-wearing junkie too.

"You don't." The guy said. "Next time, wake up faster, won't you?" Apparently this was Sasori.

"I got him up." Deidara said smugly. "When you couldn't. Wasn't there a bet on this, mm?" A grunting noise followed the sentence.

"Do you have a cold or something?" Sasuke asked.

Sasori grunted.

Just when Sasuke was getting the line of things, another person walked into the room. This one he recognized, which Sasuke did indeed, know was a boy, even though he did vaguely resemble a girl.

"You didn't wake him up." Itachi said, in a monotone voice.

"I did, and now Sasori owes me ten lollipops. mm." Deidara said, pleased. He could already imagine eating three at once. Possibly all ten at once, if he could fit three in eat of his hands and four in his mouth.

"Lollipops?" Sasuke said, confused. He noticed Deidara's palms were sweating like crazy. He squinted to see better. It wasn't sweat, it was drool.

"I gave him enough to make him sleep for three days." Itachi said again in that weird emotionless voice. "Trust me, he's a lot better when he's asleep."

"Dude, ten lollipops are totally worth it, mm.?" Deidara defended. "Besides, you can always give him more."

"There is no more. Maybe I should go steal some more tonight, huh." Itachi said.

A shark put his head in. "Pick up a bucket of nail polish while you're there, okay?"

"You almost out? I have tons left." Deidara suggested amiably.

"Not for me." Kisame said. "I'm painting Whitey purple."

"Why Whitey?"

"Do you want to try putting nail polish on Blacky?"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!" presumably Blacky roared from the next room. "I REFUSE TO BE CALLED ANY NAME EXCEPT DA' BLACK-E!"

"I'm hungry." whined Sasuke, trying to make direct contact with the nicest person in the room. He locked eyes with Sasori.

Sasori looked back at him. "Go get that medicine _now _Itachi. He's getting on my nerves already."

"Clonk him over the head?" suggest Deidara.

Itachi sighed and hit Sasuke on the head. Hard.

Sasuke rolled up his eyes and collasped, thankfully not snoring at the time.

Itachi stared at the unconscious/sleeping form of Sasuke. Maybe he should just kill him now. No, he had to stay here until Itachi could put him back in Konoha without him getting landed into the hospital again. So Sasuke can just stay until he regains his sanity.

That will take a long time.

* * *

They all joined Kisame in the living room. Zetsu was seated on the couch, Blacky watching the food channel and Whitey patiently submitting to being slathered in nail polish. 

"Am I Purplely now?" Whitey asked.

"No, There is no way I am sharing a face with someone called Purplely." Blacky said stubbornly.

"Too close to pimply." Kisame agreed as he dipped the extra-large paintbrush in the bucket. "So, Itachi, what's up with your new boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?"

"That boy in Tobi's room."

"That is my brother."

"Oh...so what's he doing here, anyway. OH! Is he Hidan's new sacrifice?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then he's Hidan's voodoo doll that he keeps under his pillow at night?"

"Do you think he would fit under a pillow? And why do you think he belongs to Hidan?"

Kisame pondered. "That could be a problem."

"I just need to keep him here until he regains his sanity."

"That'll be in no time, for sure. This cave is full of sane people."

In one room, there was a chauvistic religious fanatic, a shark, an unemo, a guy obsessed with puppets, and basically an arsonist. The violent organdonating machine was having fun in the city right now.

"I'll keep him here until he can go into Konoha without landing in the hospital again."

Kisame shrugged. "He doesn't bother me. He can stay. Until he get's hungry that is. AND HE BETTER NOT LIKE FISH STICKS."

* * *

All was black when Sasuke woke up again. Only this time, his head ached. Really really ached. Sasuke groaned and rolled over. He must still be asleep, because there was a giant orange lollipop lying next to him. 

"Tobi." said the lollipop.

Great. Now the lollipop was talking to him. Should he say something back?

"Tobi is a good boy." the lollipop spoke again.

Ahh. At least that solves the gender issue.

"Tobi says it's time to get up now."

Well, it's a dream, so what did it matter what Sasuke did? Sasuke got up and stretched. He was wearing a pink and purple frilly nightgown. Wayyyy different from the hospital clothes he was wearing earlier.

He looked at the lollipop. It too had stood up. Only now this lollipop was a person, and he was wearing Sasuke's clothes.

"Tobi is making a _fashion statement._" the lollipop...sorry, person, said reverently.

"So am I, I guess." Sasuke said as he frantically looked for something to wear for after he ripped this gown to shreds. In the closet was a black cloak thing that his so called brother and everyone else wore. This was only marginally better than the nightgown. This one had red flowers.

Sasuke put on the cloak and slipped out from the nightgown.

"Tobi thinks you should wear something underneath." Tobi said as he observed Sasuke kick off the pink nightgown.

"Doesn't matter. Say, do you know where I could find a razor?"

"You can't have one. You don't need to shave."

"Who says I'll be shaving?"

Tobi's eyes went wide. "Oh, you want to do that suicide thing." Tobi pondered. "Okay. Deidara doesn't like you that much anyway."

Sasuke watched him go. Just as one person left, another came in.

"Why aren't you wearing the nightgown?" Sasori asked as his eyes filled up with tears once he had spotted it on the floor. "That was my grandmothers...the only person who ever loved me."

"Ask her to give you another one." Sasuke said. "There is no way I'm going to wear that...thing."

"THAT IS NOT A THING! THAT IS A BELOVED MEMOIR OF MY GRANDMOTHER!!!" Sasori yelled. "I HATE YOU YOU COLD HEARTLESS EMO!!"

Sasuke tried to back up. "Sorry, I didn't know. Um, you want to borrow my emo makeup?"

"MY EYES ARE LIKE THIS NATURALLY! I AM NOT GAY, UNLIKE VARIOUS MEMBERS OF AKATSUKI!" Sasori replied.

"Um...you have pretty eyes?"

"NOT ANOTHER GAY BASTARD!"

Sasori stormed out.

"This place is weird." Sasuke whimpered. "Where is tobi? I want my razor now."

The door flew open. A tall figure lost in shadow loomed in the doorway. The gleam of bloodthirsty eyes leered at him.

DUM DUM. DUM DUM. DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!!!!!

"Sasuke." Itachi spoke calmly. "I do not like this living arrangement anymore than you do. The second you're sane again, you're gone, get it? Which means no cutting, no emo makeup, and no smoking crack. Unless you're twenty-five feet away from the entrance. Now, come into the living room so I can introduce you to the various members of..." Itachi beckoned with his finger to Sasuke. Sasuke, disgruntled, walked past him into the living room.

It was darker than dark, blacker than black. Eyes glowed at him through the darkness.

"Welcome, to AKATSUKI! I'M RYAN SEACREST, YOUR..." he stopped and wiggled his eyebrows. "HOST!!!!!"

Claps and whistles echoed from seemingly nowhere.

"All members of Akatsuki..." he said in an excited whistle. "Will be able to sing and preform in front of Salmon Cow!!"

A grumpy british guy stood in the middle. "Ryan..." he said warningly.

Deidara interrupted him. "We're not into singing..." he began. But he was interuppted by Hidan, who had strode to Ryan and grabbed the microphone.

"Hit it, Paul." he said into the microphone.

A familiar beat started. Hidan wiggled his ass at the various Akatsuki members. "Don't you wish your girlfriend was **hot** like me?! Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?!"

"Freak is right!" Blacky...sorry, Da' Black-E yelled. Hidan ignored him.

"Don't ya...doo doo doo da doo...Don't ya, **Don't ya, DON'T YA**!"

"That is the most horrible singing I have ever heard!" Salmon Cow said in a strong british accent.

"It...was interesting..." The feminine voice was revealed to be... Holla A Duel.

"Man, I just wasn't...feeling it, ya know?" This voice was THE DOG.

Leader came out of the bathroom clutching a Vogue magazine. He quickly hid it behind his back. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." Hidan replied calmly over the gruesome...dead bodies of the host and former INSULTANTS. "I was worshipping."

The Leader looked at him sternly. "Hidan, remember our rules of not worshipping within twenty feet of the T.V. screen?"

The T.V. screen started to play soppy romantic music.

All the confusion stopped. Hidan threw the bodies in the river and ran back in and plopped on the couch. Everyone else was already sitting, fixated on the screen. Except Sasuke.

"Love in the Meadow?" he asked disgustedly. "And wasn't I supposed to be introduced or something?"

"Quiet." Itachi said, not bothering to hide the excitement in his voice. "It's therapy."

Tobi came back with a pink frilly apron on. "Tobi get popcorn and tissues for the Manly Movie."

Sasuke stared.

"Tobi is manly..."

* * *

_Sorry I got kindof...off course near the end there. I didn't mean to, but I just wrote it and now I don't want to delete it because i'm too lazy. And it's too darn troublesome._

_this chapter is short...i guess it doesn't matter, since i haven't gotten a review on this story anyway..._

_hint hint_

Please, just R&R, okay?


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello. _

_Hi._

_This is stupid._

_Why am I writing this?_

_I have no idea._

_Am I having a conversation with myself?_

_Dude, you need therapy._

…

…

…

_Anyways, I don't own Naruto. _

_That's a disclaimer._

_They realize that by now, stupid._

_SHUT UP!_

_Anyways, here's the rest of the story, if you still want to read it._

The ending notes of the song floated away from the speakers.

All the Akatsuki members sighed as one, contented.

"Can you believe that she left him like that?" Leader said. A glisten covered his eyes.

Sasori sniffed. The Leader passed a box of tissues to him. Sasori took one thankfully and blew his nose with a great honking sound.

"Sorry to interrupt the mood and all…" Sasuke wrinkled his nose at the reactions to the cheesy soap opera. "But can we please eat dinner?"

All the members stared at him with hatred in their eyes.

"Sure, gay-emo." Sasori said in a heated voice.

"Emu's can be gay??" asked Tobi wonderously.

"I think you're thinking of an oversized chicken. Yeah." Deidara said.

"That's an ostrich." Sasori blew his nose again.

"I wonder what an emu would taste like." Blacky and Whitey licked their lips.

"Stop, that makes me hungry." Kisame complained.

Sasuke tuned out to their weird conversation and focused on the deep rumbling of the river. Wait, it was growing louder!

Rocks fell from the ceiling as the entire cave shook.

"I think that was my stomach." Kisame poked tentatively at it.

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Keep a hold on yourself, okay?"

"It might not have rumbled if Deidara didn't hog all the popcorn and candy." Kisame replied, glaring at Deidara from his tiny eyes. Little laser beams, thin as toothpicks, emerged.

"What?!" Deidara said. He hid one of his wet hands in his robes.

Kisame pointed accusingly at it.

Sasori sighed. "I'm making dinner." He raised his hand and wiggled his fingers around.

A fat puppet peered out from the door. He was shockingly familiar…Sasuke wondered where he'd seen him. Somewhere on T.V.

"That's Emeril."

Sasori nodded.

"Bam!" Tobi yelled.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"That's what he says when he adds garlic." Tobi said defensively.

Emeril walked into one of the doors before backing up and opening it. He came out a second later with a huge bandaged lump.

"Hey!" Kisame said, shooting up from his position on the couch.

Sasori glared at him. "Relax, Kisame. Do you want dinner or not?"

A couple more rocks fell from the ceiling. Kisame grumbled and sat back down. Deliberately ignoring the puppet and his sword, he turned to Zetsu and inspected Whitey. "Is the paint almost dry?" he asked grumpily.

Whitey touched his face. "Nope." He inspected his purple fingertips as Blacky pulled Tobi over.

"Thanks." Whitey said as he wiped his hand on Tobi's, (formerly Sasuke's) clothes.

Itachi stood. "Okay, Sasuke. Stand here." He pointed in front of the T.V. screen.

Sasuke stared at him suspiciously but complied.

"This is Kisame." He pointed to the blue shark/thing. "He is my partner."

"Ewww!" Sasuke said. "You really are Gay!"

"Not that way." Itachi said, mildly disgusted. "As, in, Partner in Crime."

Sasuke's eyelid twitched.

"That is Sasori. He's a puppet dude, and is Deidara's partner." He pointed to the Ino/Mary-Kate and Ashley look-alike. Deidara is…"

"An artist." Deidara reminded him.

"That's Zetsu, Whitey and Blackey."

_Talk about split personalities._

"Hidan, and Kakuzu, who isn't here now."

"That's it, I think."

Emeril came out and gave Kisame's sword back to Kisame.

….

….

….

"Hey, there are carrot shavings on here!"

Dinner was relatively simple. Salad, (which explained the carrots) and fish. Well, fish for Kisame. Whenever Sasuke, (the poor ignorant fellow which he is.) tried to grab a piece, Kisame growled at him and showed his teeth.

After dinner, Everyone except Sasuke and Leader got out sake and started playing….duh dum. Duh dum. Duh dum duh dum duhdumduhdumduhDUM….Go Fish.

Sasuke sat on the couch and watched, feeling depressed. He hadn't cut himself for twelve hours now, and he wondered if he was having a nightmare, or a really weird dream. He needed to feel the pain, love the pain, be the pain! He eyed Kisame's sword, which was propped up against the wall. He began to formulate a plan to get that sword.

Itachi looked at Deidara and glared. "Deidara." He said.

"What?!" Deidara asked, annoyed.

Itachi said nothing, only continued to glare.

Deidara fidgeted. "Fine!" he exploded. He held his hand over the table, and two cards fell out. They lay soggy and crumbled on the table.

Itachi raised an eyebrow.

Two more cards fell out.

Itachi's eyebrow flew off his face and away, out the door and into the wide blue sky where it proceeded to crash an airplane.

That really didn't happen. Itachi's eyebrow, impossibly, was raised higher.

Deidara was really fuming now. "It's just a stupid game." He complained as he emptied the other hand out and hit the back of it, dislodging one that had been stuck in there. Deidara held up his hands, palm facing Itachi, to show that no more cards were in there. One of the hands spit, dissolving the acid tasted of ink and paper.

"Itachi, do you have any….threes?" Kisame asked hopefully.

Itachi shook his head. "Go fish." He said. "Not literally." He said, remembering the first time they had played his game and Kisame didn't _quite_ get the rules. Kisame had smelled even fishier then usual, and stank up the lair worse than 'air freshener'.

Kisame took a card from the pile and frowned. "Damn." He said.

"Kisame, do you have any threes?" Sasori asked.

Kisame threw them over.

"Sasori, do you have any threes?" Deidara asked slyly.

Sasori shrugged and handed three cards to him.

"What's with the three black market?" Blacky said, cross.

"Ask for something different then." Deidara replied.

"As long as we have the black market open, would anyone want to buy some crack? Special deal…." Whitey asked.

"No special deal." Blacky said.

"You have to appeal to the customers." Whitey replied.

"So that's why you let them paint you purple?" accused Blacky.

Whitey didn't answer.

Itachi stood up. "I should go get that…medicine." He said. "I'll bring back Kakuzu too."

Kisame yawned. "I guess I'll go to sleep, then."

Itachi was already out the door, because he had a top secret mission that no one knew about but him to do.

Itachi came back late and snuck into his room. Kisame snored. Gently, Itachi stuck his hand in the plastic bag and pulled out a box. It was blue, but it was too dark to read what it was.

Itachi opened it carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible. He tore off the wrapper around the individually wrapped items and stuck the little white strip….on Kisame's nose.

"Success!" he whispered.

Kisame started to snore, but

inhaled nothing but the clean, (relative term) air of their room. Not a noise emerged.

Itachi allowed himself to feel happy for a moment. Why not? Sasuke was here anyway...he was going to be feeling emotion for at least another week.

Smiling, he changed into his favorite pajamas. Tonight he was going to fall asleep in style. These pajamas were the softest silk, a ebony black, the picture of what a millionaire evil villian would wear to sleep at night. If he was obsessed with bunnies.

Itachi stroked the fake wool bunny face on the front of his shirt, picturing the adorable little bunny yarn nose and eyes and whiskers. He climbed into the bunk and lay down, blissfully falling asleep.

* * *

Sasuke couldn't sleep. His body was restless, he wanted to do something. Hell, he would knit if he could! It was just so...boring. 

He could hear the sound of the entrance stone being removed. Someone was leaving or coming. He concentrated for footsteps.

Yes, there they were. They tapped to his door, then turned and went farther down the hall.

Sasuke slid out of bed.

_Do do do du du doo du do du do do du do du do duuuuuuu du du du du._ (Pink panther theme)

Another door opened and shut.

Sasuke opened his door an inch at a time. Each inch made him feel more depressed at how pathetic he was. His hand automatically went to his pocket...the pocket wasn't there. Neither was the small knife.

Instead he clenched his fist as hard as he could until he couldn't stand the pain. (WIMP)

He tiptoed down the dark hall, looking for a door...yes, this one was it. A small light was shining under. Sasuke pressed his ear to the wooden grains.

Giggles.

Sasuke froze. What if...what if...there were some gay people in Akatsuki. Sasori had said as much. What if those very gay people were both in that room.

More giggles.

Sasuke's hand began to sweat. Yet, despite the gruesome possibilities, he was determined to know what was going on. He counted to three in his head.

He threw open the door.

A very high girlish scream.

A person he had never seen before was sitting on the bed with another one. The one he had seen before was the leader, he was sure of it.

(Oh, wait, I forgot something didn't I? Yes, they were both fully clothed.)

The other had glowing eyes. He reminded Sasuke of that sea-diver monster in a long, lost episode of Scooby Doo.

In their hands were little turqoise and pink and purple...ponies.

The long seconds passed as they tensely stared at each other.

Sasuke gulped, preparing for the kunai and explosive notes.

The leader looked at the night-vision dude, and back at Sasuke. "Do you want to play too?

* * *

_Will Sasuke accept the leader's invitation to play My little Pony?_

_Will Itachi ever succeed with his lifelong goal and secret mission?_

_Will Tobi...um...ever...be...able to get his room back?_

_Will Whitey remain Purply?_

_Will this person ever stop typing?_

_To find out, all you have to do is Review! And read, obviously._

_Oh yeah, I know this chapter is short...but you can tell that to me again! In a review, of course. I just wanted to leave it off at a cliffhanger. Ish-thingy._

_Whatever._


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

* * *

Clutched in the Leader's hand was a pretty purple plastic pony. (Hey, alliteration! My English teacher would be so proud. sniff) "Do you want to play or not?" Leader said grumpily. 

The other guy, (Is he a guy? What is with the gender issues?) stared. Or Sasuke guessed he was staring. You couldn't really tell whether the glowing green eyes were staring or not. But the guy turned his head to Leader and said, "I thought this was _our_ secret playtime." He pouted.

"You're boring, Kakuzu." Leader told him. "The only scenario you want to play is your pony being captured by the evil witch, which is always my pony. Why couldn't you be the witch for once?"

"I don't want too. My pony is prettier anyways. So there!"

Sasuke inched back into the hallway.

Suddenly Kakuzu was behind him. "Where do you think you're going?" he growled, grabbing the collar of Sasuke's cape.

"Bed." Sasuke squeaked.

Kakuzu growled again. Apparently he did not like squeaking. "It's an honor to be invited to play My Little Pony!"

"Put him down, Kakuzu." Leader said. "He will play tomorrow."

"I don't know about that." Sasuke said cautiously. "I might be busy…"

"Busy making wisecracks?" Kakuzu yanked on the cape. "Busy making fun of the girly Leader and Kakuzu?"

"NO! Not at all!" Sasuke's voice turned high-pitched in panic.

"Tomorrow, then." Kakuzu hissed as he dramatically went into the room and slammed the door.

It would have been very dramatic and intense if Kakuzu had not slammed the door on his own foot. Sasuke could hear yelps. A faint, "Kakuzu, why are you always so..." the last word fell out of hearing distance.

He ran down the hallway quickly, worried that Kakuzu might come after him. _Itachi._ He thought. _Has some weird friends._

* * *

Kisame has already woken up. Itachi deducted. This brilliant logic's proof was the fact Kisame was screaming. 

"Get it off! Get it off!"

"What is it, Kisame." Itachi asked, bored.

"There's, there's something on my nose!"

Itachi hopped. Wait no. Itachi wouldn't hop. Start over.

Itachi flew down from his bunk and landed sinisterly on the floor next to Kisame. "Where is the thing that needs removing?"

Kisame pointed to his nose. "I've read about these!" he moaned. "These are extremely rare laundry leeches. They thrive in filthy habitats, and will suck out your blood until you die!"

"I keep my room pristine." Itachi pointed out. "Have you tried to get it off?"

"No." Kisame moaned again. "You see, I can't see my nose."

(Have you ever realized that you can't, in fact, see your nose without a mirror of some kind? The only part you see is the tip.)

Itachi considered. "Your nose is practically nonexistent."

"Just take that leech off of me before my blood is sucked out of my body!"

Itachi tore off the little strip and balled it in his fist quickly. All in all, the morning had turned out better than expected.

"There. It's gone. But be warned." Itachi continued. "I've read about them too, and they attack more than once."

Kisame gasped. "I better start cleaning right away!"

"Why don't you start with the bathroom?" Itachi suggested.

* * *

Sasuke woke up and wearily went to the kitchen for breakfast. Deidara was already there, eating his breakfast daintily. 

"Mine, mm." Deidara said after noticing Sasuke's hungy stares.

"Sooo, why is your hair so long?"

"Because I like it that way."

"But why?"

"I don't know."

"Is it some genetic mutation?"

"What?"

"Something you inherited from your mother? Who is she, anyway, Rapunzel?"

Deidara stood up angrily. "Don't make fun of her!"

Sasuke gaped. "Then she really was Rapunzel?"

"Yes, and she's very famous!"

"So did the prince have mouths on his hands too?"

"Your questions are annoying, mm."

"That's not an answer."

"She didn't marry the prince! Why would she, after she gouged out his eyes with a knitting needle?"

"Who did she marry, then?"

"What's with all the questions about my deeply personal parents, mm?"

"I'm trying to distract you while I eat your food." Sasuke admitted guiltily.

Deidara noticed _his _scrambled eggs in Sasuke's mouth.

* * *

Deidara burst in on Itachi. Itachi quickly hid the book he was reading under the couch, but Deidara was too mad to notice the title. "Itachi, you need to get rid of that, that, brother of yours!" 

"And now you see what I had to go through."

Deidara shook his head. "YOU don't matter."

Itachi was offended. "I thought I mattered to you." He said as his eyes filled up with tears. He dabbed at them with the sleeve of his silk pajamas.

Deidara noticed them for the first time. "Those are new?"

Itachi noticed what he was wearing. With Kisame cleaning instead of him, he had gotten lazy and did not change.

"Those are like, really..." Deidara suppressed a snortle at the image of a grumpy Itachi with a wool pink rabbit face on his chest. (What is a snortle, anyways? A snoring turtle?)

"Really what." Itachi said, deadpan, mentally cursing himself for his mistake.

"Really...feminine." Deidara couldn't help himself and let out an amused grunt.

"Didn't you have a problem, Deidara?" Itachi said, ignoring the amused grunt. Because in fact, it didn't matter to him, because although no one but yours truely knows that Itachi practices grunting in the bathroom daily for thirty minutes, and he is the grunt-master of the universe! Not only can he have amused grunts, he can have arrogant grunts, and happy grunts, and monotonous grunts, and sad grunts, and angry grunts, all the while not feeling any emotion whatsoever!

Ehem. Off topic. Sorry.

"Sasuke has got to go!" Deidara complained again.

"What did he do?"

"He-he made fun of Mama!" Deidara burst into tears. They splashed onto the recently vacumned floor. "That's not all." Deidara looked straight at Itachi with the a dramatic air. "He ate _my eggs._"

It was hard for Itachi to suppress a gasp. Stealing food was the ultimate folly.

Deidara's eyes overflowed again. "I didn't believe it either." he confessed. Two more tears joined the puddle party.

Kisame burst in with a "borrowed" maid costume. "Stop!"

Tobi also burst in through the opposite door. "That's where Tobi's clothes went!"

They had a silent staring match until Kisame broke eye contact. Unless Tobi broke it first. No one could see Tobi's eye/eyes.

"Stop stop stop!" he growled as he attacked the carpet with a rag and then a mini vacumn cleaner. He rubbed it on the floor so hard it broke into a billion plastic pieces. "NO!" he gasped at the mess on the floor. "I'll be dead tomorrow for sure."

Deidara looked at him funny. "What?"

Itachi stepped in quickly. If he didn't, his entire secret mission could be ruined. "Kisame, it's okay. I'll clean this up."

Kisame didn't looked reassured.

Itachi swallowed hard. To convince Kisame he would have to use _those words. _There was no other choice. He opened his mouth. "I'll clean this..." he had to stop. "Sp-spick and span!" The last part was burst out in a rush.

Kisame looked up at Itachi from his defeated position on the floor. "Thanks, a bunch. To the kitchen!" He posed like superman and flew out to the door, skirt flapping in the nonexsistant breeze.

Tobi, Deidara, and Itachi covered their eyes. Only Itachi refrained from screaming.

* * *

Sasuke finished Deidara's breakfast. Not a splot of guilt appeared in his consciousness. "How can I get that sword?" he said aloud. "How can I avoid playing My Little Pony?" 

There was no possible answer to the last question.

Sasuke sighed emo-y. _My life is hopeless. _

* * *

The night came too quickly. Before Sasuke knew it, it was one minute later. Then another minute. Then another... 

..second! Bwa ha ha, fooled you! Well, anyways, the moon rose up into the sky like a beacon of...a beacon of...whatever.

He made his way down the hallway to that dreaded door. Sasuke opened it cautiously. No one was in there. He sighed in relief, then tiptoed back to his bed.

_A giant shadow fell over Sasuke. He turned around slowly._

_Staring at him out of one huge painted eye was a exceedingly large pony. It's purple mane fluttered in the breeze._

_"Hello." Sasuke said. He meant to sound strong and courageous, but his voice came out as a tiny squeak. His knees started to shake: This, surely, was death._

_The pony remained silent, but opened it's mouth wide. The stench of overcooked liver floated towards him...with a panicked scream, Sasuke sank into the ebony depths._

Sasori put Kakuzu's sock back into the pocket of his cloak. He pulled out a walkie talkie, all the while looking down at the unconscious, slightly twitching Sasuke.

"He's out. Prepare to proceed."

All the bedroom doors opened, and the cloaked figures proceeded to the living room. Itachi looked bored, Kisame was poking at his nose, Deidara was fingering his hair, Kakuzu was clutching a little pony, and the leader was yawning. Zetsu was trying to scrape the purple nail polish off of his face.Tobi was dressed in Sasuke's clothes again. Over his index fingers was a paper tube. Tobi was switching from trying to pull his fingers out and staring at the woven tube in horrific awe.

They all sat in a semi circle on the couch and on the floor. Tobi got the doggie bed. Sasori came in and used the metal spikes on his back to form a chair for himself. Deidara stood up and walked in front on the T.V.

"Fellow comrades." He paused and looked at Tobi. "And victims. I have arranged this meeting to discuss..." A wicked gleam came from his well-conditioned hair. "The removal of Uchiha Sasuke."

Itachi stood up. "Hold up Deidara."

Deidara help up a hand. His hand poked it's tongue out warningly at Itachi and hissed. "You know that every second Sasuke comes closer to being completely purified of his medicine, and he will remember that he quests to kill you.mm."

"True." Itachi sat back down, and Deidara's hand stuck out it's tongue one last time before being lowered to Deidara's side.

"When I say removal, I did not mean kill. Hoped for maybe..." Deidara's voice trailed off as he glanced at Itachi hatefully. With a desive grunt he continued again. "We need to find a way to grant him his sanity."

Kisame let out a barely suppressed snort. Everyone whipped around to make sure that no noise came from Sasuke's room.

Sasori laughed evily. "Those socks haven't been washed within the past hour."

All the Akatsuki members sighed in relief. Kakuzu sniffed his feet inconspiciously, (which is really really hard to do. Not that I have any experiance sniffing my feet...) before he returned his attention to Deidara.

"Torture." Hidan suggested.

"I think that will expand his mental facilities even more, Hidan." Itachi said in replay.

"We could eat him." Zetsu suggested.

"We could shave off all this hair." Kisame suggested.

"What would that do?" Deidara asked.

"I could get to use my sword."

Deidara looked around. "Hypnotism."

"Huh?" said Kisame.

Zetsu looked thoughtful. "That's just so stupid..."

"That there's no chance of it working." Leader finished. "I say we do it."

"All right." Sasori looked at Deidara. "But what would we use to hypnotise him with?"

Slowly, with the sound of creaking hinges, everyone turned to look at Tobi.

Tobi looked up from his fingers. "What?"

* * *

_I know that this took a long time...I haven't gotten a good chance to write. I made sure that this chapter was a little longer...wordwise._

_Thanks for all the reviews! And favs and stuff. Even the people who just look at the first sentence and decide that they don't want to read this because that it's obviously...weird. Because they still go on my stats._

_But of course, now I just want more reviews. Lots more. Bwa ha ha ha ha._

_I feel like a vampire, because i am the only one awake. I don't know why you need to know that, but still. I RULE THE NIGHT!_


	5. Chapter 5

Mmmm. Soymilk. Soymilk is the frothy sweet goodness of fluffy pillows! It shall rule the world!

Naruto I do not own! What are you going to do about it, huh?

Disclaimer: See Above

Thanks for all my Reviews! Or Sweivers, whichever you prefer. Which so far has only been Anonymous. I feel so depressed...OMG! I'm turning Emo like Sasuke! GOT TO SNAP OUT OF IT!

(goes and bangs head against wall)

* * *

In the darkest hour of the night, in the most ragged living room of the night...a plan was born. And this plan, this wonderful, wonderful plan, would grow, and grow until THE PLAN found a cape. And not just any cape. THIS WAS A PURPLE CAPE. And with the finding of the PURPLE CAPE the plan would don it, yes, don it, and become... 

Duh duh duh dum!

A PLAN WITH A PURPLE CAPE! And the plan went on to save the world numerous times from mutated banana sundaes. But you don't want to hear about that.

* * *

Slowly, all the Akatsuki members dispersed and walked sleepily back to bed. Itachi saw his pajamas hanging in the closet. Waiting for him. Beckoning to him. But he resisted their call and just pulled on a plain t-shirt before crawling into bed. Itachi didn't fall asleep, however. He was waiting for Kisame to come in, so he could put on the little white strip of doom! To snores, I mean. 

Itachi looked around the room. Was it just his imagination, or did someone else seem to know his ultimate secret plan? _It has to be someone else._ Itachi realized as a chill crept slowly up his spine. _Because I don't have an imagination._

Kisame was looking over the lair one last time for any signs of mess before heading back to his room that he shared with Itachi. Itachi was sitting up on his mattress, breathing heavily.

"You okay, Itachi?" Kisame said wearily.

"Just thinking about whether this room is clean enough." Itachi replied calmly, despite the fact that he was practically panting.

"OH GOD! What if it isn't clean enough? I haven't washed my sheets in ages!"

Itachi wrinkled his nose. "Oh. I thought that it smelled because you were smuggling fish sticks and hiding them under your pillow."

Kisame turned a pale blue. "How'd you know?"

Damn. Itachi didn't mean to let loose the fact that he knew about the fish sticks. "Never mind. I knew because...because...I washed your pillow."

"Why?"

Itachi turned around. Kisame saw his shoulders move up and down. And when Itachi turned back around, Kisame saw that his eyes had filled up with tears. Or eyedrops.

"Because...because...I don't want you to die." Itachi whispered as he let the fake tears spill over. _Argh, just go to sleep, Kisame!_

Wait. Was that a thought of frustration? Bwa ha ha, Itachi, your mental shell is finally cracking!

"Thanks, Itachi." Then Kisame keeled over. Only his head managed to reach the bed. The rest of his body was on the floor. The snores began.

Itachi slid his hands under Kisame's belly and tried to lift him up onto the bed. No such luck. He considered calling some others for help but decided against it. With difficulty, he shoved Kisame's head off of the bed and stuck the strip on his nose. And because he was bored, he took out a black sharpie and doodled flowers on it.

Itachi took a step back and studied his masterpiece. With a sigh he climbed onto his bed again and fell asleep.

* * *

Hidan was the last to leave the living room, grumbling on and on about no one letting him torture Sasuke. 

"Jashin." Hidan knealt down. "I am sorry I have not sacrificed since those..." his nose twisted. "judges. Accept my pain as a sacrifice."

Hidan lifted the cushion. Yes, he knew it was there. The leaders secret stash. Hidan grabbed them and crept outside, where he would not disturb the others. He settled down and opened the first one. VOGUE. The glossy pages fell open. Hidan began to read...and scream.

"Jashin!" he managed to scream through reading the paragraphs. And yes, there it was. The presence of his god. "THANK YOU!"

Filled with determination, Hidan kept on reading...and screaming, until dawn.

* * *

Sasuke went into the kitchen wearily. And stopped. ALL of the Akatsuki members were there, not doing anything. Leader looked at him, face void of all expression. Did he know of Sasuke's abnormal pathological hatred of My Little Ponies? Especially the purple ones? 

Being the chicken that he is, (Have you noticed his HAIR?) Sasuke half-sat in the only empty chair, ready to run at any second.

Looking around, he noticed that Hidan was missing. When nothing happened after a few tense seconds, he sat down all the way.

"GO!" Leader yelled at the top of his voice.

There was a flurry of movement, and a dust cloud that had probably risen from the infrequently cleaned table obscured all of Sasuke's vision.

Some suffocating moments later, Sasuke could see again, and this is what he saw.

He had been cocooned in a thick, brown rope. And now that he realized this, he realizes that it's very, very, _itchy_ rope.

All of the Akatsuki members smiled sinisterly at him.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR?" Sasuke yelled.

"We have had enough." Sasori said carefully, enunciating each word.

"Yeah!" Tobi echoed helpfully.

"We're sick of your parental insults. Yeah." Deidara growled while his perfect hair twitched threateningly.

"Yeah!"

"And your life-stealing leeches!!!" Kisame shuddered violently. Everyone turned to look at him. _Oh no, I probably have another one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. _Kisame began patting his nose frantically.

"Um. Yeah!"

"And why are you addicted to cutting and not our CRACK?" Blacky huffed. "That's what I want to know."

"YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!"

"Tobi, maybe you should... be quiet." Whitey asked politely.

While Tobi was immersed in that question, TO BE QUIET OR NOT TO BE QUIET. THAT IS THE QUESTION, the mask was snatched off his face.

"AHHHHH! MY TRUE FACE IS REVEALED!" Tobi screamed, actually sounding sane. In a roundabout way. Sane for this fanfic, anyways.

For what lay underneath Tobi's mask, was another mask. Only instead of being orange with black swirls, it was a NEON PINK WITH YELLOW SWIRLS AND LOADS OF GLITTER AND HIGHLIGHTER DOODLES!

MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sorry.

Anyways, ehem.

All the Akatsuki members clustered around Sasuke.

"Follow the mask." Kakuzu said in a creepy voice. "Keep your eyes on the mask."

"The middle part." Leader interrupted helpfully.

"Actually, it's more upper left-ish." Deidara offered.

"SHHHH." Kakuzu hissed angrily. "It's not taking Effect."

"Sorry." Leader said in a small voice.

"Keep your eyes on the middle slash upper left-ish part of the mask." Kakuzu intoned. "And feel sllleeeeppppyyyyy. Very very berry sleepy."

Sasuke's head drifted.

"You are so sleepy, and you will fall asleep in three seconds and do everything I say once I snap my fingers..."

Sasuke's head came down and he began to snore.

"Now. Tell us." Eagerness was creeping up in Kakuzu's voice. "What it would take for us to get you to go away."

"Sdakdjgcn." Sasuke mumbled.

"Say it again, and in Japanese, please. I don't speak pig-latin."

"That wasn't pig-latin." Sasori said, disgruntled.

"Bleh bleh." Sasuke continued. "Bleh Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids."

"That helps. Yeah."

"That didn't do anything." Whitey pointed out. Zetsu nodded his head in agreement, since Whitey was trying to nod and Blacky wasn't participating, which can make one's face look very strange.

"Just go away once I snap my fingers." Kakuzu growled. "One...two...three..."

_Thwip._

_"_What?"

_Thwip thiwp thwip._

"I can't snap." Kakuzu said after exhausting his fingers several minutes later.

All of the Akatsuki members started trying to snap.

_twip pop tweet thwip thwip thwip thwip thwip._

One by one, the Akatsuki member's stopped snapping. "It's no good." Leader moaned. "I only know of one person who can snap..."

Kakuzu's head drooped. "Same."

"FOR GOD's SAKE, WHO?" Deidara cried.

"Hidan." Kakuzu replied just as the Leader mumbled something unintelligible.

"The most perfect being." The leader said mistily. "Blue hair and could snap their fingers like there was no tomorrow."

"Where is Hidan, anyways?" Sasori asked, looking around as if he was hiding under the rug or something.

* * *

Hidan floated on the rushing current of the river until he was jolted into consciousness by striking shore. And a large rock was happened to be on the shore from which he struck. 

"What tha..." Hidan massaged his head and looked around, trying to find an appropriate vulgar word for his predicament. "Jashin's underpants!" he decided finally.

No wait. That doesn't really sound all macho, does it.

"Well it fucking should." Hidan growled.

He was, previously mentioned, on a rock. That was in the middle of a weirdly lighted cave. Suddenly a spotlight came on, and Hidan found himself face to face with a china doll with eerie features.

The doll opened it's mechanical mouth, reminding Hidan of one of Sasori's puppets.

"It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all..."

Hidan, shocked, scrambled back as other dancing and singing puppets came into view. They twirled and clapped their hands to the beat of the song oh so scarily.

"I have no idea who you are!" he said panicking.

"It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after ALLLLLLLL!"

Hidan screamed just as the song reached it's crescendo.

* * *

A group of people on a little tourboat floated by at that movement. "Mommy, why is that man screaming?"

"Shhh, honey." The apparent mother put her hands over the girl's eyes. "He's gay."

The little girl pondered."Oh. That makes sense."

"Look at the ballerina, honey."

The girl forgot Hidan completely. "Ohhhhhh, I WANT ONE!" Her protests dimmed as the boat floated out of sight.

Once it did, the song stopped. Hidan stopped screaming. "Oh." he said, dissappointed it was over. And there had been so much pain!

But he didn't have time to breath before it started again. Once the shock had worn off, the song was so bad. Simply like a nuclear bomb in ones mind.

"Holy Crap." A group of ten year olds were the next to float by.

The boy next to the one who spoke shushed him quickly. "Crap is a bad word."

"You just said it." The other boy pointed out.

"It's MALFOY!"

Slowly, all heads turned to swivel at the bemused Hidan. "Erm, Who?"

"Ahhhh! Get him!!" All the ten year olds jumped into the water, which was only two feet deep, it seemed, since it reached the kid's shoulders.

In less than a second, they were swarming all around him. "These. Are. Way. Worse. Than. Fangirls." Hidan growled to himself as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Hidan isn't anywhere!" Kisame wailed.

Sasori was busy controlling his hundred puppets to bother answering. The puppets were searching frantically every for Hidan. Under beds, The Giant Hand With Fingernails In Need Of A Manicure, under the cookie jar.

Sasuke remained sleeping in the chair, Tobi keeping a watch on him.

"Stop."

All activity ceased when the Leader walked into the room. "I have contacted..." his eyes grew dreamy. "Anyways, they will be here within two weeks."

"TWO WEEKS!" Deidara's hands sqeaked in dismay.

Itachi looked up from the mirror in which he was gazing at himself intensely. It was after all, Thursday, and he felt there was no reason, (of course not, he can't feel anything) for him to forgo his weekly ritual of gazing at his supreme beauty.

"The search for Kisame shall continue." Leader intoned. "We shall send Tobi to Konoha, Zetsu to Suna, and Everyone else just patrol the surrounding areas."

"Why do Tobi and Zetsu get to go to the cities?"

"Because they have not been seen before." Leader explained. "You leave tomorrow."

Tobi looked up from Sasuke. "Huh?"

"He's the right man for the job, all right." Kisame muttered darkly to Itachi. Itachi just shrugged as he gazed at his lurvly hair.

"Everybody, go to sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day." Leader swept out of the room, muttering about blue hair and rings.

"Wait!" Itachi jerked out of his dreamy state. "Love in the Meadow is on tonight!"

"GO TO SLEEP!" the Leader yelled. "UNDER THE PAIN OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everybodies eyes grew dark with hatred. "Sasuke..."

* * *

_Wow, sorry it took so long for me to write this...school has started and i swear out professors think that we are machines to be throw homework at. _

_The end is kind of lame, because I just wanted this chapter done. _

_Ohhh, and under the pain of no more chapters, (not that that's much) I will not update until I have at Least 25 reviews. That's only ten, if you ten people review...well...I'll update._

_Heta ninja is doing the same thing too, so please review on her story, Naruto Heros and Tea Timez Akatsuki because I want her to update. NOW. _

_Oh yes, I forgot the cheesy ending. _

_Will Sasuke ever wake up?_

_Will Tobi survive Konoha?_

_Will Hidan be rescued from the throes of Harry Potter fan 10-year-olds..._

_The world may never know...unless i get more reviews._

_OH, and if you even bothered to read this, You get an AWARD called THE AWESOMEST VITURE AND CURSE AND EIGHT LETTER WORD PATIENCE!!!!!_

_Deidara is looking for three sets of vampire teeth for his hands, so if you find them, please notify him, thanks._


	6. The Short Ending

_Yeah, I haven't been on for a really really long time. I am a lousy person. But I'm on here now, wracking the last of my creative juices to get this story over and done with. I had have of it finished, but I was off too long and it got deleted. So here's a short summary..._

_ Deidara goes insane over the ruination of his hair..._

_Hidan has to go into therapy because of Malfoy Fan-10-year-old phobia_

_Whitey does remain purplely._

_Tobi successfully went incognito...and found Hidan...and then watched Dora the Explorer_

_Itachi ran away to become a caveman, because he reasoned intelligence was directly related to emotions._

_Kakuzu got multiple heart attacks after Sasuke "accidentally" butchered his My Little Pony_

_Kisame now believes that the blood-sucking laundry leeches have turned him into a laundry leech vampire...and he haunts the town of Konoha._

_ Leader is trying to keep track of all this..._

_Sasori and Emeril lived happily ever after._

_And Sasuke?? Well, the Medicine wears off after Sasuke sees Itachi in a cavemen loincloth. Abruptly his Emo-ness disappeared from the shock. Then he returned to Konoha and was the founder of a multi-million dollar school business that teaches younger siblings how to drive their older siblings insane... (My brother went there)_

_ Ranji, Tenji, and Marti continued working in the psycho ward until they all died quietly in their sleep and no one cared. Except for maybe Tenji, because no one could figure out how to move her. _

_ The End. :)  
_


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